wakey wakey hands off snakey
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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