Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Couch. On fire.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
