I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize