hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
