So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
