Your face is a jimmy john
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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