Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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