I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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