You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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