stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize