I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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