nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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