How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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