I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
