Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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