he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
