My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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