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I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
