i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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