I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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