none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
too bad you live with your parents still
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
