you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
