Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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