dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
