Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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