If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
