Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
