How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
