What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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