Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
