Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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