There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
