I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
