Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
