so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
