I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
