I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
