I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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