your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
