I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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