just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
