My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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