It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
