is your mom at the bar?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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