god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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