Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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