I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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