Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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