In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
one might say we're banned from that church
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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