Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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