The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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