we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
