I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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