oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My Higher Power is John Stamos
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
