im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize