I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
