One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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