i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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