I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
