Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
