Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
